when people tell you how exciting and great it is to relocate to another city, they have no clue what they are talking about. in fact, you should say 'bollocks' to them because they don't have to figure out how to box up your entire life. or to sit on the couch holding your dogs bucketing in tears before you return them to your ex, not knowing when you will get to see them again.

i bet you only crazy people tell you that international relocations are fun. king and wilson have a great sense of humour because they call a move an 'uplift' in their documentation. would i associate relocations with being 'uplifting'? bollocks.

so if you are immensely private like me and hate the thought of letting strangers through your life, let alone seeing or touching your personal possessions, here are some packing tips:

1. crack the stelvin or uncork a very good bottle of wine. it helps to numb the pain.

2. if you don't remember seeing/using/owning something, bin it.

3. if its something you love dearly, bubblewrap it into a ball. the 'uplifters' are a bunch of bozos who don't understand the word 'fragile' on your boxes and are hell bent on breaking your precious life into little bits while its in transit.

4. create a pile of possessions you will give to beloved friends because it doesn't make sense to send it with you - unfinished bottles of alcohol, kitchen appliances, porn etc.

5. always replenish your store of good wine as you pack because you will need a bottle each day.

6. when you finish packing for the 'uplift' or airlift, your remaining possessions should only weigh as much as your checked baggage allowance. because anything exceeding that would result in more stress at the airport which is the last thing you need when you relocate.

7. sign any payment authorisations for 'uplifts' or airlifts without looking at the costs. you could have probably bought an entirely new life for the same price at your new destination.